Dear Hawkeye
by Therm
Summary: They got one another through Hell in Korea, and now their lives continue again. A series of letters written by BJ and Hawkeye to one another.
1. Prologue

_Dear Hawkeye,_

_Do you remember how you felt the first day in Korea? That first step out into this alien landscape where chaos was all around? Coming home was a little bit like that. Of course, seeing Peg and Erin wasn't quite as alien (although Erin has shot up in size). _

_I couldn't get over walking down civilised streets again, how the faces looking back at me weren't those of Korean people, starving or wounded, living in the hell we left behind, or that the people weren't dressed in green... I might just burn anything I own that's olive in colour. _

_My first night home there was a party. It was touching and welcoming, yet overwhelming and unnecessary all in the same breath. And these people I loved (and some I didn't actually know) tried to embrace me and understand what I went through but they never will. How can they? _

_We're the only ones who know what we went through and even then... we could be in the same room, watching the same thing happen and I'll never know how it might have affected you differently, does that make sense? _

BJ halted in his writing.

He looked at the sheet of crisp white paper filled with his scribbled writing, words coming almost quicker than he could write them. And what was he saying? Hawkeye wouldn't want to get home and read this.

He didn't really know Hawkeye as a civilian man. He knew as a combat medic. Often times he thought that the war had changed Hawkeye in some ways before he'd even got there. Warped him in certain ways, made the manic side of him light up like he would never have done if he'd just be home in Crabapple Cove. He thought back about the time he'd borrowed Hawkeye's socks without asking. How Hawkeye wasn't just a little annoyed with him for taking them, he was furious. And it was born of that place. Hawkeye was generous. If BJ asked him for his socks, he wouldn't have cared about them, it was a way to distract himself from what he hated to see happening around him.

How could BJ take him back there again so soon?

He knew he wouldn't be so hesitant in what he wrote if Hawkeye hadn't had the breakdown he'd suffered. As much as BJ tried to treat him the same when they were back together at camp, he couldn't help but being mindful and cautious around his friend, not worried so much that he would say the wrong thing, but that something might trigger him. Because Sidney was with Hawkeye for a while but it didn't seem long enough. Not to heal a shattered mind. And it had been a long time coming. Potter had even said that himself after Hawkeye was taken off into Sidney's care.

He'd been on that bus when it happened, when the babies cries had grown silent. Once they were out of danger and moving again, between tending to the wounded, whispers found there way too him about the baby being dead. And he thought he should go to check on Hawkeye but before he got the chance they were arriving in camp. When they scrubbed up to treat the wounded that they'd picked up, BJ had asked him if he was okay and Hawkeye had given him a vague look and asked why he wouldn't be. He had dismissed it as Hawkeye trying to focus on the task at hand.

BJ cast the letter to one side, took a fresh sheet and started again.


	2. Chapter 1

_**1.**_

_Dear Hawk,_

_See the date? It's my first full day back home. And while it seems too soon, writing already after getting back home, I can't hep myself. It's been... I don't know how to describe it and I want to tell you everything about it before I forget any detail. I'm so used to having you there to tell every detail too that I realise most normal people don't share such inane details! What the hell, it kept us going for the last couple of years!_

_I've looked at that picture of Peg and Erin everyday I was in Korea and even so, I was almost stunned when I saw Peg again. She looked more beautiful than I ever remembered. And Erin, she's so big! I know missing two years of her life is going to make a huge difference and I expected that but she was a baby last time I saw her and now she's this little person. She copies her Mama with certain little things she does... it's just the cutest thing to watch. _

_Homecoming was... unbelievable. The community really rallied around, especially considering they've never met me. There was a huge street party, I meet everyone in our neighbourhood, my parents were there...it felt like the party would never end. I'm not sure it has! I took a bit of a retreat inside around 11, and I haven't been back. But it's late, Hawk, and they can celebrate without me. I'm inside with my little girl and Peg and I couldn't be happier. _

_I'm sure your trip home was just as satisfying. Tell me all about it? I don't want you to leave anything out? And how's your Dad? Me and Peg both send him our best. Peg can't wait to meet you. She's heard so much about you through my letters. It's strange to think that your Dad has met Peg and Erin before you have, but someday, someday real soon I hope, we'll all get together again and those people we tried our best to flesh out to one another will be there in the flesh and you'll be able to meet these two ladies in my life for yourself. _

_I don't want to write too much in this first letter. I hope you'll write back to me. Tell me whatever you want too. _

_I still only miss the people from that place, but it's incredibly strange for you not to be sharing a room with me at least 75% of the time. _

_Don't forget me, okay? _

_BJ. _

Hawkeye kept the letter in his pocket the whole day. It had come one morning and rather than read the contents, Hawkeye stuffed it into his top pocket while he went about his day.

His Dad had suggested going fishing the next day and they were up early. Somehow, he'd forgotten about the letter and it wasn't until they were driving down to one of the river spots they used to frequent that he took it out and read it. His Dad was driving after he'd let Hawkeye drive them to town once and decided that the time he's spent driving a jeep in Korea had made him a little reckless.

It was full of the sort of things he wanted to hear from BJ. That his little family unit was doing great and BJ seemed to finally be happy.

And Hawkeye got lost in thought. He wondered whether he'd ever tell Peg of the women who had tempted him before, or the anger he'd felt when Erin called Radar 'Daddy' by mistake. How powerless he'd felt about her cleaning the gutters, that she's never need him when he got back. How her getting a job had made him feel less of a man.

He never had those things to worry about. Maybe BJ had already told her about it, in his letters home.

And then he wondered what he'd said about him. In all the time they'd spent together, he knew BJ had mentioned him in his letters home. So what about what happened? What about the bus and the baby? And if he hadn't put it in a letter, he might have told her, one night as they were laying in bed together. 'Poor Hawkeye', BJ would say and then Peg would remember it for if they ever met, to keep Erin a safe distance from him, just in case. She'd not tell BJ, not until they were safely on there way home that he'd scared her a little, that crazy look in his eye, the way he stared at Erin.  
BJ would dismiss it of course, tell her it was fine. Then they'd fight about it. Doors would slam, Erin would cry and-

"Ben?"

The car was stopped, the river ahead of them. Hawkeye could hear the water now.

His Dad was stood at his door, looking in with concern in his eyes. The letter was still clutched in his hands and as awareness came back to him, Hawkeye smiled to his father and folded the letter up and poked it back into his pocket. "Just thinkin about BJ. That's who the letter was from." Hawkeye explained.

His Dad nodded, uncertain but he started to grab their gear from the car.

Hawkeye stepped out and took a deep breath. It felt wonderful to be here.

He headed to the boot and helped his Dad unpack the car.

_Dear Beej, _

_I've missed you. It's been almost two weeks and I'm starting to think I left a piece of me back in Korea, because I don't feel like I'm all here. And not just mentally (that was a joke). _

_It's been nice to get back and not doing anything. I know eventually I need to get back to a normal way of life but right now, nothing is much more appealing. When I say nothing, I mean, I've been making up lost time with Dad. You're right, he can still speak and talk and even with the letters we wrote it seemed that there's a whole lot more still to tell. _

_I know he's worried about me. I don't know what to do to prove I'm okay, except acting okay. The problem is, not everyday do I feel totally okay. I don't feel terrible, don't get me wrong, I just sometimes want to be left alone to do nothing by myself and on those days, Dad tries even harder to engage me into activities. He'll try and get me out the house and meeting some old school friend and I do it because I can't stand how worried I know he's been, but it makes me miserable. _

_I went to the store one day and bought a bottle of gin. I was surprised how much it tasted like actual gin and then disappointed that it did. It made me miss you. Made me miss Trapper. I still drunk it anyway. On those days where I want to be alone, on the occasion that I convince my Dad to leave me to do want I want for a while, I often pull out a bottle. I need to be alone but I don't wanna think Beej, and without it, there's just too much... I don't know. I guess it's like Millie said, there's too much Hawkeye running through my head and it's not a good thing. I need to silent him sometimes and alcohol works well. He sleeps then and I can be numb in the peace and quiet of Maine.  
It's all I want. _

_I don't know that I'll ever get that peace without numbing my sense with a bottle. It's something I never gave a second thought to in Korea and now I'm here, I'm terrified what I'm becoming. _

_I'm sorry. _

_Dad and I went fishing. It was a nice day. We caught.. we caught fish. _

_Turns out I'm not so good at the regular letters. _

_Hawkeye. _


	3. Chapter 2

2.

_Dear Hawkeye, _

_It's been almost a month since the war ended, since we came home. _

_I hope everything is good with you? Peg and Erin send their love. I don't think a day goes by where I don't mention someone from that place. You're all with me, everyday. _

_Erin's been having trouble saying 'Hawkeye' so we refer to you as Hawk more now. It sounds more like 'awk' when she says it but it's adorable. _

_We took Erin to a fair the other day. It was so good to see her laughing and just being a kid. I can honestly tell you that by the end of it, I had tears of happiness in my eyes. I almost couldn't believe I was there. _

_I won her a prize at one of the games and she picked this stuffed elephant as her prize. She called it Chucky. Made me think of Charles. I wondered what he was doing for a little while then. _

_You just know he's going to be doing great things. _

_I'll be making my way back into a hospital in the coming week. I feel it's time. I wanted to take a little time out to get back into the family way of life. I'll be going to some medical conferences later in the year. Maybe you've changed your mind about surgery. I know you talked about being a local doctor, but you may have changed your mind. I'd love to know what you're doing and how you and your Dad are. _

_I miss you, Hawk. I'm never going to not miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss you. _

_Write soon. _

_BJ. _

It was a favour for his Dad.

The receptionist as the surgery he worked for was away and after much persuading, he talked Hawkeye into covering for her for a week.

It was simple enough though and mostly he found it boring. There wasn't enough to do. People in Crabapple Cove could only get so sick. The afternoon's seemed to be the most boring. The odd one or two patients would come in but nothing much. And after refiling all the paperwork in the reception area, there was nothing much to do if no one came in.

He saw some familiar faces. He'd have to go through the same patter with all of them as they asked him how he was and about the war and he;d dodge the questions about war and just make a few jokes before turning to the business at hand.

It got old fast and he was pleased he'd only agreed to a week of it.

Tammy Davies had dropped in to see him. She was an old school friend. She hadn't wanted an appointment, but to see Hawkeye. She asked him to come to dinner with him to catch up and after a little persuading, he agreed. He was a little reluctant to go with her because she reminded him of Margaret, not in looks, but personality. She was a very determined lady and wasn't going to take no for an answer. But she was also a good friend. There wasn't anything romantic between them, they'd known one another a long time, though they'd never been especially close the first few years they'd been in one another's company.

They agreed to go out Friday evening, after Hawkeye finished up at the surgery.

Almost as soon as Tammy left, his dad, who didn't have a patient at the time, poked his head round the corner, asking what that had been about. 

Soon enough, Friday night rolled around and they went out for the evening.

_Dear BJ, _

_I've had my first real taste of trying to get my life back in order and it's blown up I my face worse than the nurses stove did._

_An old friend from school, Tammy, dropped by while I was helping my Dad out at the surgery. She asked if we could meet up and catch up and I thought it would be nice and it was. _

_It was so nice we decided to go out again the next day. Nothing romantic, in case you're thinking that, it was just nice to be with someone who wasn't my Dad, knowing what he knows._

_Anyway, a few days later she invited me to go to an exhibit at the gallery. So we drove out there. It was photography, all different types and that's fine until I'm looking at this dead eyed soldier laying in a foxhole. _

_I don't think she knew there'd be a whole section of war pictures there as well, but it certainly killed my mood. I moved on quickly to another section, but I couldn't shake it. She could tell so we left. We found a quiet place to eat and before I know it, I'm spilling my guts to her about some of the worse things I've seen over there. I never meant to tell her any of it, it just happened._

_She didn't really know what to say. There's not anything too say. _

_I told her about the bus. The baby. _

_She looked horrified and I didn't know what to do. I got up and left and was out of her sight before she was able to find me (I just ducked down the next street and went into the first store I could). She drove us there so I made my own way back in my own time. _

_When I got home, there was a note taped to the door. She asked me to call her and let her know I got home safely. I got my Dad to call. I couldn't stand to hear the pity in her voice if she spoke to me. _

_Tonight, I need the numbness back so I'm going to be fading away for the evening. _


	4. Chapter 3

Note: Thanks for your reviews. I know this isn't the busiest fandom in the world but it's one of the best. A bit shorter this time. I have a story I'm telling with this, it's not just pointless letters back and forth. Eventually, the penny will drop. :)

3.

_Hawk, _

_I'm really missing you since Korea. Isn't it strange? I was so wrapped up in getting back to Peg and Erin I never really considered how much I'd miss you. I knew I would, but I didn't really think how much. _

_I spent some time this week writing to all of the people I miss at the camp. Potter, Margaret, Klinger... I even wrote to Charles. I'm not sure he'll write back but you know, he wasn't so bad when I think about it. _

_I hope that life has been as kind to them as it has to me since the war. The hospital I'm working at is great, really wonderful people. There's a couple of people I steer clear of, mostly because of heard they can be a nightmare to be around, but I've had no troubles here so far. I think I'm going to enjoy working here. It's weird without Potter though. And I miss the banter in the OR. _

_I hope you realise how serious I am when I tell you I miss you. I don't know what else to say. I hope you realise it's not just words. I don't think I'll adjust to life after you, Hawk. _

_Write back soon, _

_BJ. _

It started as whispers. A couple of times when he'd come out of the surgery. Another time walking down the street on his day off.

Glenda was the one who outright asked him. About his son. About what happened with Tammy. And he dismissed her, went to work and locked himself away while he thought about it, before he called in Mary, he's receptionist. They'd worked together for years, and had always got on well. They'd often spend an hour or so together after the surgery had closed, talking about their lives.

He asked her what she'd heard and after only a slight hesitation, she told him.

She told him that she'd dismissed it all as nonsense but that she'd heard a rumour that Hawkeye had mentioned a baby in Korea and many people were speculating he'd fathered a child with a Korean woman.

He knew that it was untrue. Hawkeye didn't talk much about Korea really. Just about the people he cared about if he wanted to talk about it, but he had mentioned what happened on the bus and the Korean mother.

The last thing Hawkeye needed was to start hearing rumours around town about him fathering a Korean child. He was doing relatively well, though he'd shown no interest in returning to work almost two months on and while he didn't like to nag, he'd noticed that his drinking seemed to be increasing over time, not decreasing.

_BJ, _

_Dad and I are heading out of town for a while. _

_I think something might have happened but I don't know what it is. Maybe Tammy said something but she's not like that. I don't know. _

_So, I'll still write you, but I won't get to read yours for a while.  
But that's okay, these have always been onesided, right? _

_Hawkeye. _


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: A quick thank you to everyone who has reviewed this. I really appreciate it. :)

* * *

4

_Hey Hawkeye, _

_How are you? Korea was a long time ago and now, I finally feel like I'm starting to adjust. You know what happened? I came home from work and spent a good ten minutes ranting to Peg about my day. After I finished she just laughed and said 'Welcome home, honey'. I guess she's right, I finally feel like I'm home. They're so perfect Hawk, my two girls. I couldn't be happier being here. _

_How's Crabapple Cove treating you?_

_You know, I thought after Korea a year might be too soon to see everyone again and now it feels like an endless wait. I'm not sure I can wait a year to see you or hear you again, Hawk? Maybe we can meet up sometime sooner, maybe somewhere in the middle of America so neither of us have to travel the whole way across the country. What do you think?_

_I don't know, maybe you don't miss me the same way I miss you. Maybe it's not as hard for you in some ways. But if meeting up with me is too hard, then let me know, okay? I have to know. _

_BJ. _

He'd never been out of town with his Dad before.

It seemed like a wild adventure but in reality, they were running. Running from problems neither of them knew how to handle. There was no grand plan by Daniel Pierce. He didn't have a place to go, nowhere in mind, he simply drove.

They stopped at a motel for the night. It was on a quiet road, a few of the other places were taken. They were given the last room, furthest away from other people staying after Daniel went back with a fake complaint about the first room. He explained to the owner how he's son suffered nightmares sometimes and didn't want to disturb the other guests.

Daniel had done most of the driving but Hawkeye seemed beat when they settled into their room. Hawkeye lay on one of the beds, eyes half open as Daniel made a list of things they'd need. He left Hawkeye dozing as he went to get some shopping.

Hawkeye lay there a while after his Dad had gone out, not caring much to move. He thought about BJ's last letter, about how he had got back into work since returning from Korea and Hawkeye was still stalling getting back to his previous life. BJ seemed to fit right back in where he left off, like there was a BJ shaped hole that only he could fill, not just at home, but in his community.

And it wasn't the same for Hawkeye. He was just the town doctors son. He wasn't part of that community.  
He sat up and pulled the pen and paper from his bag.

_I realise today why I don't feel home here any more. _

_It's because I didn't leave enough of me behind. I remember how you said that when you were in Korea, most of you was still back home. You get home and your whole. I think I left part of me in Korea and it must be an important part, Beej because I'm not home here. _

_I had so much more to do there, so much more importance. I'm not needed here. No one needs me as their doctor or they'll die- they'll just call upon one of the other doctors to take the place. _

_I haven't got any meaning here. I don't belong home.  
I don't know where I belong._

"I bought dinner back, son. You hungry?"

When Hawkeye didn't answer, Daniel headed into the bathroom. The light was on in there, the door left ajar.

But Hawkeye wasn't inside.

That was when he saw the note.

_'Dad, _

_I know you did all this for the best, but you don't need to uproot your life to try and help me sort out mine. _

_Please go home. I'll come back some day, I promise. And I'll call you in a couple of days, let you know what I'm doing. _

_I've got to do this by myself, Dad. I'll be okay. _

_Ben'_


	6. Chapter 5

5.

_Dear Hawkeye, _

_It's late. _

_It's nearly four months since we left Korea. _

_Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I forget where I am. In the darkness, it all seems the same to me. Peg's taken to leaving a light on in the hall so that when I wake, I can see where I am. She said it was for Erin, but I know out daughter isn't scared like I am when I wake up. _

_I love Peg more than ever for caring so much and for allowing me to deal with this in my own way. _

_Every day we're home, I think about what it'll be like to meet up with you all again. I know it'll happen. Maybe not this year though. _

_I've had some letters from some of the others. Sherman Potter (that seems strange not to call him Colonel) wrote me. He seemed content and happy. Radar too. He said he wrote to everyone so I'm sure you know how he's doing. I'm glad he's able to make a go of things. Must have been hard after his Uncle Ed passed on. _

_I'm writing this now because even though it's the middle of the night, I had this awful dream. It's not the first time I've had it.  
You remember that wounded man I couldn't help when I was in the chopper? When I had to cut the rope to save my own life? That often replays in my nightmares, sometimes just as it happened, other times it's someone else at the bottom of that rope. It's been Peg before, or someone from camp. It was you tonight. Peg and Erin sat beside me in the chopper as I cut the rope. _

_I know it's just a bad dream but part of me feels like leaving Korea, I've cut you all off. _

"Darling?" Peg stood behind BJ, her dressing gown wrapped tightly around her slim figure, attempting to ward off the slight chill in the air. "It's late, come back to bed."

"Sorry Peg, I just had an awful dream. I couldn't quite shake it."

"I'll help you," she said, offering her hand. He smiled at her before looking back down at the letter he'd penned Hawkeye. His eyes danced across the page and he knew he couldn't tell him any of it. He screwed the letter up and reached out for Peggy's hand as they returned upstairs.

* * *

Hawkeye called once.

He gave a vague location of where he was and didn't seem to have any of what exactly he was going to do or where he was going to go. But Daniel knew there was little he could do but wait.

He kept a smile on his face and any one who asked about his son, he told them he'd gone to visit some friends.

Hawkeye's pile of mail grew over the weeks. It was piled on the table next to the phone but Daniel moved it into his sons room in the end. He put the pile on a chest of drawers, opened the window to give the room some air.

And he waited for his son to come home again.

* * *

Peg sat at the desk where her husband had wrote his letter and smoothed the letter out from it's crumpled form. There was a new letter, which he'd started since then.  
BJ walked in as she sat there, looking at them.

"Everything okay?" he asked her.

She smiled, nodded. "Darling, why did you throw this letter away?"

BJ came up beside her and scanned his eyes across it, quickly remembering the things he had written in it. "I didn't think it was appropriate, really. It doesn't matter anyway, if Hawkeye is getting my letters, he's ignoring them."

Peg got up off the chair and positioned BJ into the seat, rubbed his shoulders as he sat. "What is he going to write to you about?"

"What do you mean?"

"You shared your lives together in a war zone. But you only tell him about the good things now. Why don't you tell him about how hard it is for you to sleep at night? Or that sometimes you can't bare to leave the house if you don't have too?"

"He doesn't need to hear that Peg?"

She kissed him on top of the head. "Are you sure?"

* * *

Daniel knew his son hadn't found the answers he was looking for as soon as he opened the door to him.

They didn't talk about it though. Hawkeye did start talking about going back to work, though he was still showing an aversion to surgery. But a small step was still a step and that was all that mattered.

It was at dinner that night that Hawkeye first mentioned trying to locate Sidney Freedman, the psychiatrist who had been on call for the camp. Even if Sid couldn't get to Maine to see Hawkeye a referral from him still seemed favourable.  
And that was that. Hawkeye had been away for around a month and had returned ready to work and see a shrink. It was a start.

When he went to bed, later that evening, he saw the stack of mail waiting for him.

It would still be there in the morning, he decided. He'd catch up then.

He hadn't wrote BJ while he'd been away. For a little while, no one else existed to him. He pulled out pen and paper.

_Dear BJ_

That was as far as he got before he let sleep claim him.


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Okay, this is it. The final chapter. Thanks for your reviews. I hope you like it.

* * *

6.

Dad had gone to work a few hours before and he had decided to take an early soak in the tub to start his day. A shower might be more traditional and refreshing but since Korea he enjoyed a bath much more.

He dressed, collected the morning paper and mail before heading inside to make himself breakfast. He was going to cook himself something hearty to eat, to kick start his day but the arrival of a new letter from BJ halted him in his tracks. His mind briefly returned to the stack on unopened mail upstairs in his room, but he forgot about that and he sat down, poured himself an orange juice rather than making a coffee as it was quicker and opened BJ's latest letter.

_Dear Hawkeye, _

_I don't know if you got any of my previous letters. I certainly haven't got any of yours if you wrote to me. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm drawing a line under all of that. _

_The first letter I sat down to write you was a lot more honest but I never sent it. I guess I got scared, Hawk. I was scared that talking about Korea would break you, like you hadn't been there and been through it all. The last letter I went to write you was after I was disturbed from a nights rest by an awful dream. I came to my sense before I sent it, horrified at myself for thinking about sending it.  
But, the next morning Peg found this scrunched up letter and asked me about it. And I told her why I wasn't going to send it and you know what she told me? That I needed a little more honesty in my letters. And maybe it would help me getting to grips with things if I were just a bit more open with it. She knows, you know. That there are things I just would never tell her about that place and things that happened. I guess (hope) you feel the same, that you can only tell certain parts of your experiences to someone who knows?_

_I don't know Hawk, maybe you didn't need an open letter like this from me, maybe you just need more time. I hope that if this is what you needed to hear that I might hear from you soon. And if you need more time, I'll still be here then too. _

_Your Korean and civilian friend, BJ Hunnicutt. _

Hawkeye was grinning idiotically by the time he finished the letter and blinked back the tears that were misting his vision.

* * *

It had been a long, miserable day.

He'd lost his temper with one of his colleagues today who showed a new level of stupidity and unprofessional-ism with a scared patient and BJ had told him as much, which had got him reprimanded too.

He didn't care. He knew what was right and the guy deserved everything he got. But it soured his mood and as best as he tried to leave his day behind, a little of that mood came home with him. He even fobbed playing with Erin off until after dinner so he could straighten himself out a little more first. Time he spent with her was always precious so he made sure he was able to sure that the time they spent together was the very best time. If it meant putting play time off for an hour, then that's what happened. Luckily, his beautiful daughter was also understanding and she nodded happily with the agreement.

While Peg was preparing dinner, BJ ranted to her about the day he'd had, venting his frustrations.

She nodded and agreed with him but he could tell she just wasn't getting why he was so angry. He felt a little exasperated at her blasé attitude to his very real problems. So much so that he had to ask her why she didn't seem to be outraged for him, in fact, her mood seemed so upbeat he found it a little off putting. She smiled at him, held his head in both her hands and kissed him.

"Okay, wait here a sec."

She disappeared into a different room before coming out with something behind her back. "I was saving this for after dinner, but it seems you might need it now," she said. Erin was stood behind her mother, looking curiously at whatever was in her hands.

"Well?" BJ asked, not being a fan of surprises.

She held out a package for him and he took it from her reading his name on the front in familiar handwriting.

Then he saw it came from Maine and turning it over in his hand he saw the return address.

And then as he tore open and saw a package of envelopes, he had this horrible feeling that Hawkeye had returned every one of his letters, unopened and unread. Or maybe he had read them and just sent them back. It must have shown on his face because Peg was stepping closer. "What's wrong?" she asked.

The letters were bound together with strong, a piece of folded paper with 'Beej' written on the front was at the top and he opened it first.

_I wrote back every time you wrote me, I just never got the guts to send them. Here's every letter I wrote to you, Beej and I'm sorry I was too scared t send them sooner. Thank Peg for me. _

_Maybe this whole thing will be easier now we have a two way communication. _

_I miss you and I thank you for still wanting to be my friend, even as a civilian. _

_Hawkeye. _

BJ swiped the tears away from his eyes as he reached over to Peg and hugged her, laughter escaping him despite himself.

"Feel better?" she asked him, kissing the crook of his neck as they embraced tightly.

"I haven't felt this good since I got home and saw you and Erin. This is going to help, Peg."

"Someone who understands what you went through."

He nodded, and held her tighter.

* * *

"You know I love working at the surgery with you, Dad it's just I miss operating more than I thought I would."

"Well Hawk that's because that's what you trained to do. It's what drove you your whole life. I'm not surprised."

Hawkeye put his head in his hands "Yeah but... " he sighed. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope."

"There's no rush, son. Just give it a little more time. It's a big decision. But, even if you decide to try it and change your mind, they'll always be a place for you at the practice."

Hawkeye smiled. He knew his Dad was considering retirement in the coming years but he had never expected Hawkeye to take over. Doctor Hayes worked with him currently. They'd work something out if Hawkeye wanted to go back into surgery.

A knock at the door interrupted any further discussion and as he was up, Daniel went to answer it as Hawkeye tried to make an important life decision while he sat staring at his cup of coffee. Talking things through with his father certainly helped though. He was such a source of calmness and understanding.

He heard the door close behind him and his Dad came back into the room.

"Who was it?" Hawkeye asked as his Dad stepped past him, turning back to face his son. His face was a mask and he simply nodded his head to somewhere behind his son.  
Hawkeye looked round towards the door and saw the familiar figure of BJ Hunnicutt stood by the kitchen door. "Hey Hawk," he greeted, a casual smile on his face.

Hawkeye wore a look of shock clear as day on his features, a slow smile spreading across his features, scrunching up his eyes the way they always did when he was truly amused or happy. "Beej, what are you doing here?"

"I thought I had an open invitation,"

"You do, I'm just surprised."

"Sorry, my son seems to have forgotten his manners, take a seat, please." Daniel offered.

Hawkeye got out of his surprised stupor as his father spoke and stood up as BJ came into the room, embracing his friend in a hug that said more than any letters ever could. Daniel busied himself looking in the cupboard. "Oh wow, would you look at that, out of coffee. I best head out and get some. I won't be long," he said, though neither man seemed to pay much attention to the elder Pierce leaving, too caught up in one another.

They broke apart from the hug but they held onto one another, studied one another. And there was a peace both of them saw in the other.

"So.. after I got your letters and I wanted to write back to you but Peg suggested it might be good for me to come out here and see you for myself. So, I took a chance and booked a flight out here."

Hawkeye finally let go of BJ and shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you're here. This is great."

"How have you been?"

Hawkeye didn't know where to start. There was a lot to get through and the letters only scratched the surface. "I'm doing better." he said and the smile he gave BJ was genuine. "You?"

"I'm doing good. Probably not as good as I painted myself in those early letters, but good. I had a Hawkeye Pierce moment at work the other day..."

Hawkeye laughed "A what?"

"You know, someone being a jerk and me not being able to keep my mouth shut."

Hawkeye laughed a little louder. God, BJ had missed that sound. "So how long are you here for?"

"Well I was planning to stay for three days. I didn't know if you'd be able to put me up or not so if not, I can check into a motel if you let me know where one is."

"It's fine, there's plenty of space for you here, Beej."

"If you're sure."

"Positive. Let me show you the spare room," Hawkeye said. "I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce you to my Dad."

"I got it, the guy who opened the door, right?"

"Right," Hawkeye said. He went into the hallway where BJ had left his bag and Hawkeye picked it up, heading up the stairs. BJ tried to take the bag from Hawkeye to carry himself but his ex-roommate wouldn't allow it. He took him into a pleasantly decorated room and placed the bag at the end of the ready made bed. "You might want to air the room a little, we don't tend to have house guests too often." Hawkeye said, heading to the window and opening it a little.

BJ headed over to the window and caught a sight of the view. "Wow." he said as he took in the stunning view Hawkeye was privy too.

"Beautiful, right?"

"That's a hell of a view, Hawk." BJ was impressed. He'd have to bring Peg and Erin out here one year, he knew Peg would fall in love with the place.

"Well settle yourself in and come down when ever you're ready. You can call Peg as well if you want to let her know you get here safe."

"That'd be great. Thanks."

"I'll let you freshen up. Bathroom is two doors down. I'll be downstairs whenever you're ready."

"Thanks Hawk." BJ said, appreciating the chance to freshen himself up. It had been a long flight.

Hawkeye headed out the door, pausing at the doorway. But he didn't say anything. He just watched BJ from across the room, just like he did all those days in the Swamp.  
BJ felt eyes upon him and looked up, smiled.

And no words were needed.


	8. Epilogue

A/N: I never set out to write an epilogue for this but it just felt right. Hope you enjoy it.

Epilogue

Dear BJ,

I wanted to thank you again for your visit. It was unbelievably good seeing you again.

I know it took me a little while to write back to you again. Don't worry, it's not a repeat performance of before, there's a very good reason to which I'll get to shortly.

But first things first, how are you? And the family unit? Have you made a decision about whether you want to extend the family yet? You know, I think you're right in what you said about waiting a while. You missed so much time with Erin, it'd be great to catch up with that first. Besides, you're still young, there's no rush. Life is precious, we both know that.

I've got a a few permanent days working with Dad at the surgery every week and I'm going to be heading to Maine General for a few days too. One of the doctors I was in residency with works there and he looked me up. He had a position he wanted me to fill there and I told him a partial truth about the things I'd seen in Korea and that I wasn't eager to get back in. He understood and got someone else for the job, but he asked me to spend some time there to help me decide where I really want to be.

Both him and Dad are of the impression that I can't decide for sure until I've been around surgery a little more and maybe they're right. Either way, I have no pressure to do anything. It feels nice to be able to make the decision that's right for me. Who knows, maybe I will enjoy it a little more. The amount of surgery we did on those bad days of the war made me never want to touch another scalpel again. But every now and then I think about all the good we did and I get an urge.

I've been sleeping a lot better recently. I some times have a long run where I don't have any nightmares at all and then a few all together. If I have a run of bad nights, I refuse to let them win. I get myself an early start on the day.  
My shrink has been a great help. Not like Sid at all but he's easy to talk too and he knows his stuff. I'm amazed at times about the things that I'm still angry about after Korea. I guess there are some things I'll never get over about that place but it's getting easier to live with and that's what I wanted.

Anyway, I mentioned why I took so long to write and here's why.  
You may have noticed that along with this humble letter comes a large envelope that's not addressed to you.

You remember the last time I was sent to an Aid Station? You were away at the time on leave for 24 hours at the time? You didn't know I'd been sent until you got back. Well when I got there, things were bleak. I mean really bleak. They made life back at the 4077th seem positively cheery.

As morbid as it was, having watched the one surviving surgeon there battling death alone while he was inundated with endless casualties and the sheer exhaustion from that pressure, when the wounded subsided, I sat down and wrote out my Will.

Since I got home I made out a new one. I'm not sure anyone would really appreciate those items in our new world. Anyway, Beej I had a lot of trouble thinking of what I could give you. You know better than anyone how we lived out there and none of us (barring Charles) had anything of real worth or value. There was plenty of things I could have left to you had I met my maker, yet I didn't want to give you something of mine, I didn't think that having an object I used to own would bring you that much peace, had the worst occurred.  
Well, when I really thought about it, I know that the only thing that could ever bring you any peace would be some understanding.

When I got back from that Aid Station I'd finished the Will except for one person. You. I went to Potter's office and wrote down every patient you treated up until that point.  
The reason this letter took so long is I was trying to update it the best I could. I got some but I didn't get everyone, so keep that in mind. I remembered some of your patients. I called up Klinger, Potter, Margaret... even Charles to get some of the names. I don't now, it might not be entirely accurate and there must be some left out.

Beej, it's for Peg and Erin.  
It's to let them know the real reason you were away from home. Yes, there was a war on and you were sent away, but each day you were away from them there was a life you were saving.

It works out that you worked on a patient every day you were there, probably more. But think of that fact. Every day that you weren't with them was a day you gave to another human being. You traded two years of your daughters early years to save hundreds if not thousands (given the ways you assisted with other patients too) of young men's lives. A lot of those men probably had wives and kids of their own to go back too. And the ones that don't probably have them now.

I know it doesn't make up for the time you missed with your family, but it is something that they and you should be unbelievably proud of. It's something I'm proud of for you.  
Like what a decent good guy you are. The kinda guy you'll always be.  
The kinda guy I inspire to be.

I will write, speak or see you soon.

Hawkeye


End file.
